thinking about what to wear tomorrow to work, but i hate my closet at the moment.


i talked to my nana on the phone today. she is sad that my grandpa is in a nursing home and she misses him. My mom tells me I don't have to go visit him, because it will upset me. I said I don't think it matters because it already is awful when my nana cries over the phone when I am talking to her. It hurts seeing my grandparents and parents cry. Getting old is not glamorous or special, you just watch all your friends and your spouse die. I guess you just have to make the most of what you've got.

have had tension headaches for almost 2 weeks every night. i feel like i can't relax sometimes. and the food i had for lunch made me feel crappy, but other than that it was a good day. MJ will probably visit this weekend and I am excited about that. i really want to take a trip to Charleston while he is still there. I'm tired right now and have forgotten all the other interesting things i wanted to write about. I think better earlier in the day. I am going to miss the friends I've made at JWM a lot...I want to keep seeing them on a regular basis after this "treasure quest" show is done. i had an interesting visit with my mom last sunday. we went to the "tower oaks lodge" which i have decided is an interesting place. she was really wound up and anxious more so than usual and flirted with the waiter that she thought was "cute". I said because he was "cute" he was probably also an asshole. Or something must be wrong with him. There is something wrong with everyone, isn't there? Or is there something wrong with ourselves?

So I am waiting for my proactiv, the face stuff you see in infomercials on tv (the only thing that works on my face) to arrive in the mail...I'm out of it and i am pissed about this because I ordered it weeks ago. My skin was just starting to get better again and I can't afford to have any more pimples again (that sounded so spoiled and prissy). but whenever i get a zit, it usually leaves a scar which stays for months. i have also noticed that my hair is really scraggly. it looks like i never brush it which isn't true. on a positive note, i have a fabulous sense of humor. me, me, me. i am unashamed to make this livejournal all about my self absorbed nature.

Today I learned that nice shoes don't make you better at your job.

I just turned 25....I think I've had this livejournal since high school. <3

It was the most memorable birthday ever. I'm glad it was a great one, I feel so loved!

I looked over some of my old entries. The last "public" entry was from 2007. Many of the previous posts are whiny more neurotic than usual, and the problems I am complaining about aren't even real problems! But I don't like deleting things so I'll just leave them be. The other "private" entries are even worse, with complaints and worries that I know no one would want to read, so I just kept them to myself. Even I don't enjoy reading them. So where to begin? The one thing I don't want to do is put too much pressure on myself to make this blog consistently full of interesting content. I guess if it is interesting to me, that's all that matters. I could write some more serious, thoughtful speculations, but I will start with events that first comes to mind:

The toilet clogged last night when Christine was flushing some rat poop and paper towels after cleaning the rat cage. We tried to "plunge" it with the shitty plunger I bought last year but this time it didn't work. The toilet does this from time to time, and I can usually fix it but this time was not one of those...times. We laughed because we are twenty somethings who should be doing something new, fun, or scandalous, but instead we were watching a few little rat turds floating in a toilet bowl and wishing I hadn't bought that cheap plunger from safeway. I still couldn't fix it this morning, so I called maintenance on my way to work. When I got home today I realized that I had left a bra in the bathroom and I am sure the fix it dude saw it, which makes me feel a little weird. Earlier, I emailed Christine to tell her that someone would come by to fix the toilet today and she wrote back with, "did you fish out the rat turds?" No, I didn't. But I'm sure the maintenance people have seen it all, so a few tiny mysterious turds and a dangling bra on a towel rack are probably no big deal.

I've had this livejournal since high school. I'm not the same person I was in high school, or college (I would like to think I have become at least a little more older and wiser). It's time to resurrect this journal and turn it into something a bit more "blog" like! I have decided to write more, it doesn't matter if its updating a blog or trying to write a screenplay, I just need to write! The one thing that hasn't changed since high school or college, is that I am still friends with Christine and Kata, the person who introduced me to livejournal in the first place. =)

When my mom sends me an email containing information, she usually titles them "FYI" and it's usually some kind of request or service message, only stated in a bizarre way. Here's the FYI of the day:


"Marcie,

I'd like to come over to your apartment around 7:30 tonight, is that okay? I would like to watch AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL on your TV, is that okay too? You don't have to feed me or anything, I don't expect that. Let me know about the above."


I like how she wrote the name of the show in capital letters. She cancelled her cable awhile ago, because she thought she watched too much tv. I told her that now she might as well not have a TV because now it's useless and she doesn't even like judge judy. And of all the things I have told her to come over and watch (including the stupid show I worked in post production on) she wants to come over to watch THAT. I didn't even know she liked that show. I love good prime time, so hopefully tyra banks will give me more reasons to not like her. ("I have two stupid girls in front of me. And only one photo in my hands"). I told my mom that I'd come over to give her a gift I have for her, but she wants to see particle and lando (and I guess me). I asked what she did over the weekend and she wouldn't tell me. She just said she had "plans" and that she "had a real good time tee hee" and I know she broke up with Rosetta, so I don't know what the hell she's talking about, and it's all cryptic and disgustingly sleazy secretive sounding. She wants to pretend that she has a secret social life like my dad does, maybe. I don't know why they pretend to be so secretive all the time, like they're having parties and dates galore that I can't possibly be allowed to know about. See if I ever tell you people anything anymore, then. Ecchhh...it sickens me. I don't WANT to know what they do with their spare time. I just think it's stupid how they go about it. Like telling me she has "plans" so I ask what they are and she avoids the questions and GIGGLES. GROSS that is so annoying and strange. okay no more venting

Horrible, weird, unsettling. As usual I woke up drenched in a cold sweat. And I don't mean, oh I feel sweaty, I mean like night sweat--like the sheets and my pajamas and my pillowcase are DAMP. I just wake up in it. And i roll over and say I had a bad dream and toss and turn and change clothes and then maybe go back to sleep. My dream was that--I'm sure I've forgotten a lot of it already-it had to do with outer space, real estate, relatives, bodily functions, and the interior of other large buildings that were not that brightly lit, I think. Some of it took place at night. Sometimes my dreams are at dusk, some at night, although usually inside when it's night, and if its outside then it's usually during the day. Anyway, I was in a building and family was there, or I was there with some people and my parents told me I had to go to the basement or something like that--down there were these little space pods where they kept people, maybe it was the basement of a hospital kind of place? But it was space themed and colored, with stars and midnight blues. And the nurse person opens one of the pods and my grandmother is there, laying there, almost unconscious and not looking well at all. Her nightgown is white and it has brown vomit on it and she isn't feeling well. I know that is disgusting, and I hate typing it, but that is why the dream was so disturbing. My brain knew what would disturb me and gross me out the most! I got some on my shirt when I went to help her, or I was afraid to totally look at the situation, but then we found a half eaten sandwich with brown stuff on it and we were like, well, I guess it just isn't her day, is it? And we knew there was stuff wrong with her but they put her in a special room or something. She couldn't talk though. The interesting thing is, she's been in 3 or so of my dreams in the past 6 months and she usually doesn't talk. She's just there. I suppose that is a reflection of her current condition (Alzheimer's) and how it is depressing. Back to the dream-- Then I was at a party and it was dimly lit, like candlelight and I was flirting and talking to people that I didn't know. It was a really creepy dream. I'm sure there's more, but I can't remember it. It's so hard to hold on to them.

So I think I have overdrawn 200 dollars or so in my account, which is not good. and i still have to turn myself in and pay that stupid fine for that expired tags ticket "fiasco". I came up with an exercise plan, though. Go to the gym right after work, around 6:30 or 7 and work out for about an hour and go home. Hopefully that won't be too hard. I was planning on going today but I don't know now because it's friday and I would rather see my friends if they're around earlier. I haven't gone at all this week. FIVE WHOLE DAYS and it feels like forever and I feel fat and stressed, it's so stupid--but I didn't feel like worrying about it--I'm too busy worrying about everything else. But I will go tomorrow morning (sleep in a LITTLE at least, I have to) and then go to the renn fest tomorrow--I think. I need to see some familiar faces. This whole week feels like an eternity in another world. Without everything I know. I can leave in two and a half hours. But I can't complain because I did want a job, I need the money more than ever. I got my first check, I have to deposit it on my way home, hopefully that might right my account balance. I hate financial shit. I hope in the future I can do more work around the studio and with the shoots/clients. Have to think of ways to use the time and materials to my advantage. I don't like this room. I better call mom. Maybe I'll see her this weekend. Her b day is on monday, as is my long awaited and desperately needed psychiatrist appointment. I just drank two cans worth of diet coke.

thanks to everyone for the sympathetic comments. I appreciated them all <3 Tumms was a cool little guy, I liked having him around. I keep thinking I hear him rustling around in his cage when I walk in the room--I keep forgetting he's dead. Buried him today in Dan's parent's backyard. Seemed like as good of a place as any. Sent my resume out again today and just hung around, wasted time, went to the bookstore. Got a new planner book. I can't manage my time when I have so much of it! Hopefully I'll be working again soon. Went grocery shopping. Safeway has these cute little double decker carts now! Has anyone seen them? They make so much more sense than the big ass carts. It can whip around tight corners too, so I don't have to run into shelves or people. In my grief, I broke down and bought a jar of peanut butter.

For some reason, my cat loves grapes. He will FIND THEM no matter what if they are sitting out anywhere in the kitchen. He takes the grapes out of whatever container they are in and rolls them around on the floor, I guess. All I know is that I come home and grapes are all over the room in different places. And he loves to play with and chew on the stems. He will even attempt to steal grapes when I'm sitting right there instead of stealthily sneaking them when I'm sleeping or not home. He never eats them though. When I find confront him about this, he just looks at me with his cute little evil eyes.

I knew I'd make this post sooner or later. I checked on Tums several times throughout the day, and he was just lying around pathetically like he has been for the past few days. I tried to entice him with some treats/food he likes, but he wouldn't take them. I don't think he'd been eating for at least a day. I gave him his antibiotics dose this morning. I went out and came back around midnight and went to check on him and he was laying there like usual, but I could tell he wasn't breathing. Sometimes it's hard to tell because when he's sleeping you have to watch closely to see that he's still alive, but I knew he was dead. I just wish I was here when he died so I could have been with him, even though it wouldn't have made much of a difference. The poor little guy. I miss him already. I hate that empty cage. I was hoping the meds would make him feel better, but at this point it wasn't enough I guess-he just got worse. He was three/three and a half years old. I was expecting him to die within the week, because even though his eye looked a lot better, he was listless and didn't want to eat. I felt so sorry for him, seeing him like that. I am so lucky to have had the best hamster in the world. I never was into them until tummy changed my mind, and he was super cool and had such a sweet little personality. He never bit or peed on anyone. He would always come out of his little nest to investigate when I would put food in his dish, or offer him a yogi. There can never be a replacement or another hamster that I would ever love more than him. He is one of those small things in life that are one of the best things. I'm even grateful to alli smith for giving him to me and kata in junior year of college. Without her doing that I would never know the awesomeness that was tum tum. And I'm grateful for kata helping me take care of him, and letting me hold onto him. I would have called her and christine but it was late when I got home. I know you guys know how much I loved tum tum. Kata came up with the name, and brought it to my attention that the character's full name in the three ninjas is credited as "tum tum douglas", which is hilarious. This entry is all over the place, my thoughts are all discombobulated. I miss tummy being in his prime, adventurous and energetic. The past week he was looking so pathetic and it's hard to see something you love deteriorate in front of you. The vet said he had the beginning of pneumonia/respiratory infection. Of course, I am wishing that I had brought him into the vet sooner but the other part of me says it would still have just been prolonging the inevitable. I tried--that's all I can say. I'm having a really hard time dealing with the fact that he's in a box in the freezer. It really bothers me that he's in there. I had to keep making dan reassure me that he was really dead. It seems so wrong, creepy, and morbid. I'm going to bury him tomorrow. It seems like the right thing to do, I would never just throw his little body in the trash or something. It's hard to accept that he's gone and not rummaging in his food dish or on his wheel. I don't know what to write, nothing sounds good, I'm sad and I miss my favorite little hamster. He brought so much joy to my life and I loved every minute of being a hamster "mom". I am so sad that he is gone.

okay, okay. Now I have heard enough and am intrigued. I will buy the last two harry potter books...sometime in the very near future so I can relish them and discuss with everyone else. And they can become part of my collection. I'm only wary because I know that once I start reading it will consume all my free time, which at the moment I don't have much of anyway. And then I won't get anything done (but I usually don't)
Mixed feelings about getting a new job. Mixed feelings about everything in general. And harry potter isn't over, he will live on--in all our hearts and imaginations <3

I'm taking tum tum to the vet tomorrow to get looked over. Unless he suddenly looks like he's improving. One of his eyes was swollen and somewhat crusty/stuck shut (it sounds yuckier than it looked). I know with old hamsters (I thought he was old before but now he's in the geriatric hammie stages for real)--that their skin can get flaky and dry and they have some fur loss but I think his skin condition is getting worse and now with the eye thing--and he looks like he has been breathing heavier than normal when he's sleeping--I wonder if he is sick with an infection or illness that is treatable with medication. I don't want him to be uncomfortable or sick for the rest of his life (however long he has left). I read up on some hamster info on the 'net and I put some warm water on his little eye with a q tip and then he was able to open it. He looked so helpless and I felt sad. Usually when I try to touch his face he squirms/flinches but this time he didn't, he just let me do it and he was acting really slow in general. I don't know why I'm writing a detailed account of his progress but I've always written about this kind of crap on my lj. I made an appt. for tomorrow at kindness animal hosp. thanks to christiney's recommendation (they had the cheaper price for an exam I also found)and I would have checked on his eye last night but he was sleeping all evening and I didn't want to bother him. So now I have to be late to work (again) tomorrow morning because I have to take my hamster to the vet. Yeah, that sounds really professional. So I'll have to stay late to make up the time; I need the money. My last day (at least for awhile) at brainbox is this friday. There will be drinking with co workers that night most definitely. And anyone else who wants to have a good time (wink wink)

DAN:
I really like the way that seatbelt parts your breasts.

ME:
Thanks.

I overheard Dan talking to Mikey about a jar of trail mix in the kitchen:

DAN
Look at this. This is what the trailmix is supposed to look like, see? On the front there?

MIKEY
Uh huh.

DAN
And look at it now. What's wrong with it?

MIKEY
What the fuck? It's all raisins!

DAN
Yeah she ate all the chocolate pieces out of it. I wrote her a note on the jar, see? "Where did all the chocolates go?"

MIKEY
..."Chocolate gnomes?"

DAN
Yeah that's what she wrote back.






I don't know why he's acting surprised that I did that, he should have known better. I ate some peanuts, too.

I didn't do anything this weekend. Sat around and watched movies. That's all I really felt like doing. Visited family on Sunday with dad. Saw G-Ma at the home she's in. This other lady there kept wandering around with her purse. Like she was going somewhere, she's a patient there. I just thought it was cute. And this old man almost ran into me with his wheelchair. I want to get social again. I haven't gone out in a long time. I'm missing out, losing time being a hermit when I should be carefree and young and spry. I don't really go out anymore and I don't like that because I feel isolated. I would like to see my friends again. I've been trying to get my life back to a place where I am happy about again.

There is good news though. I am getting credit on "The Real Deal" so my name will be in the credits for a split second with the other assistant editors. I was really happy about this until:
I was just monitoring an output to tape of the program master (the actual tape of the final cut that gets delivered to discovery) and when the credits came on I saw that my NAME WAS SPELLED WRONG. And the production coordinator just asked me today if I wanted my name to be marcia or marcie in the credits. But he didn't ask me about my last name! No one here has ever spelled my name wrong until now. I am going to talk to him and have them fix it for next time because that is the final version of the first episode to air, so I don't think that one can be fixed now because we have to deliver it tomorrow or something. It's the principle of the thing. My high school graduation, my name was pronounced "maria" and that ticked me off. The guy ALMOST mispronounced it at my college graduation. "marsshhhhhhiiiaa". It only happens for important things. It really isn't a big deal but for that split second that my name is there and no one will even notice but me, i want it fucking spelled right. it said "marcie rubosto" UGGHHH whoever was typing those credits had a lapse of dyslexia when they wrote my name. It's forgivable, but still. I better get back to working. I don't want to screw up, but I always end up making a stupid mistake every night anyway. I made a data DVD last week and I thought I did everything right but the next day I found out that when the person went to use it that it was blank. Little things like that. I've been falling apart all over the place. So, goodnight livejournal.

I am loving this free spirited weather we're having. But I am agitated how today my boobs just feel uncontrollable. They just won't stay put, it's like a giant eclipse. I am the sun, and my boobs are two large and monstrous moons. Gotta wrangle them bebbes back into place.

Feeling better than before. Hopefully spring will mean renewal and less instances of making stupid mistakes. I keep making obvious mistakes at work lately. I HAVE to start looking for other jobs very very soon because they have been letting people go (I fear I am next on the list) and I am afraid that once the richard davis show is over ("The Real Deal" is the name they chose and it gets abbreviated as "TRD" so sometimes it gets referred to as "turd") I am afraid there won't be any more work and I'll have to leave. I wasn't the perfect employee, but I definately learned a lot. I've made more friends and gained experience. It's one of the best things to have happened to me. I have also had some nice embarassing moments here.

Took meowmeow/lando to the vet today, he had two shots and they squirted this nasty stuff in his mouth for "deworming". There was a lady in the waiting room that had a shit-poo (shitzu-poodle mix). It was a ball of fluff. Lando was so good, he didn't even meow once we got in the vet's office. He meowed the whole way there though. He got tested for feline leukemia (they took him away to "the back" and drew some blood) and the results were negative. In 4 weeks he goes back for a few more shots and then after that he can get his furry little testicles removed. That is the mundane and dorky side of my life--detailing my cat's vet visit.

I miss my girlfriends.

The last two hours at work are the hardest. Today I looked up doctors that were in my health insurance network because I needed a new inhaaaaallerrr for my asstthhhhsssmmamaaaa. I chose this lady doctor in olney out of the massive list of doctors pretty much just because her name sounded the most interesting. DR. TWEEDT ended up being really cool and I got my prescription. She also told me that my "weight was a little too low for my height" which is stupid. I'm not too low or too high. Why can't she just diagnose me as "being too perfect"? Because that is what I am. I interpreted her statement to mean that I was destined to be short and round. She said, "we'll just keep an eye on that" like I had a condition. We won't keep an eye on anything, because there is no problem. I also found out how tall I am. Five foot and three quarters...or was it two and three quarters? Anyway, like 5'3". That's taller than I thought. The main reason I am writing this entry, is to let everyone know that one of the names on the doctor directory in the building was "BUNNY CHESTNUTT" which is the best real life name I have ever encountered. It could have been straight out of strangers with candy. It made me smile. Then a pregnant lady bumped into me as I got on the elevator.

I like my new job pretty good. I don't have too many complaints. I'm just glad I got a real job at a "real" place. It isn't bad at all for an entry level position. Hopefully someday I will get to have a hand in the finished product/actual shows. It would also make my day if Brainbox Productions had a contract for a show with Animal Planet. I wouldn't mind going through that footage. Ugghhh this job is why I am still awake at three thirty in the morning.

Goodnight <3

I have another UTI, which is RIDICULOUS. Now I know I have to be extra careful, it's like I could sneeze and get one. Well, not quite that easily. I am having yet another internal dilemma. I finally got a job, one I thought I wanted, but I wonder if I made the right decision. When other people aren't happy, I'm unhappy, and no one's every happy. Why is every decision making process such a PRODUCTION??? A video production...that is.
I am so frustrated. I am going to go hide in bed.

i want all the answers without having to try
i am tired of job searching